“Be not deceived, Wormwood, our cause is never more in jeopardy than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe in which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.” C.S. Lewis, Screwtape Letters
I look around and see God's goodness everywhere. What I do not yet see is His next provision. YET being the operative word. I am almost bemused at my willingness to lean into this unknowingness. It is as if all my recent attempts to provide for me and the children very nearly came to fruition -- and then didn't. The most recent instance this week being a wild card that brought the whole enterprise to nought (or so it seems).
What to do?
1. I revisit God's track record. This is the benefit of having been a Christian for 32 years. Over and over and over again I have seen times like these where nothing seemed to exist, and then something. Sometimes just enough at just the right time, and other times immeasurably more as if God had been storing parcels in His pocket and chose one particular morning to give them all to me at once.
2. I put my faith to the test. Isn't this exactly where the rubber hits the road? Do I trust? I don't have a Plan B, a trust fund, an earning spouse, a savings account. BUT. I have me and, more importantly, I have Him. We are poster children for 'widow and orphans' and what does the Lord say about those?
I feel like I'm free falling out of an aeroplane and choosing to enjoy the view. He's got the pull cord for the parachute and I'm buddy-jumping with Him.
Isn't this the very moment when the world watches us as Christians? "OK, let's see what she says about the Lord NOW."
What I will say is this:
He is good
He has not failed me
His path is tough and He does not leave me to walk it alone
No matter my circumstances I still have my mind and I still think interesting thoughts and share them and contribute what I have while I watch and wait and work for opportunity
My future looks like a wide open blank space today. Years ago I bought a huge canvas for our landing to remind the kids that actually every day is like this. And if I think of that as a good thing I can say that makes today full of opportunity, full of what I don't know yet, full of breadth and height and depth and width and colour yet to be added. Colour I get to splash as brightly and as vividly and as messily as I want to because I am free.